I Should've Gotten Sea Monkeys Instead
by azimah19
Summary: Shepard as a friend? Hell, no! Kolyat didn't want to have anything to do with the blasted Commander whatsoever. But a casual dinner with her ended up with skirmishes against the Blue Suns, a drug-smuggling bust up, and a realization that Shepard may be more alike to him than he'd care to admit…and it all began with an escaped space hamster.


Mass Effect series and all its known characters belong to Bioware. Astro Boy belongs to Osamu Tezuka.

AN: Yes, it's a piddling matter. And yes, it doesn't affect the outcome of the game. But how hard can it be to learn the proper pronunciation for _'Irasshaimase'? _It's someone else's national language you're butchering, not some made-up lingo. Tsk, tsk, Bioware.

* * *

The Blue Suns were flabbergasted. Their usually trigger-happy attitude were dampened by the fact that they weren't even sure if the person tottering towards them in stilettoes and sequinned dress was Shepard.

Nobody was supposed to know about this meeting. They'd dubbed it _The Nips_ just so that the law enforcers wouldn't sniff about. There was a shipment of contraband drugs from Illium arriving tonight, and thus far they'd been careful enough to keep this way below the radar. Their lookouts from up top had assured them that the police had no idea about this trade. The Nips operation was locked in tighter than a barrel…but Shepard had suddenly made an appearance at the factory district, looking around their warehouse like a tourist in a strange city.

The Blue Suns captain was unsure on whether or not he should shoot her. He wondered if they've got a snitch somehow, and had the Commander sent over to clean things up. However, she seemed oblivious to the laser targets dancing over her abdomen, nor the gang of mercs arranged before her like a box of assorted ugly chocolates. Lazily regarding the frozen diorama of hostility before her, she said: "Hello…did somebody, like, totally called for a stripper?"

* * *

_1830 Citadel time – 2 hours ago…_

Shepard regarded the thing on her bed critically. The displeased moue on her face was a clear indication of how she felt, but in the fairness of arguments, the yeoman had done her absolute best to follow her command to the tee.

"Kelly," she finally said.

"Yes, Shepard," said Kelly, standing to attention.

"When I said: 'Get me something to wear for dinner', you, within your best professional capacity had done precisely that…and let me just say beforehand that I've always applauded your willingness to take initiative."

"Yes?"

"But don't you think-" Shepard motioned, "that this screams of _'Hallo, I've shagged your daddy, and now I'm going to start with you'_ a tad bit?"

The object of the Commander's consternation, was in fact, a dress. It was golden. It was a knee-length strapless. It had a dangerous-looking slit at the side. But that wasn't the point. Shepard didn't like it, period. She felt that if she were to put it on, she'd turn into a cocktail lounge floozy named Lola. The dinner she'd planned with Kolyat was meant to be casual. She'd been wanting to extend a hand of friendship towards him after his father's death, but she wasn't banking on showing off half her breasts as she did so.

"Ah, no. It doesn't so much as scream as to whisper a simple _'Good evening'." _Upon receiving Shepard's glare, Kelly sagged. "I'm sorry, Shepard. But there was a shipping error, and your package got mixed up. I'd show you the other outfits, but they're – ah – rather unsuitable."

"So this is the sanest option? What else were there?"

"Asari leather bondage outfits," said Kelly with a straight-laced expression…although there was a slight blush to her cheeks. "And props for a bachelor party."

Shepard sighed. "I don't suppose you've complained to the vendor?"

"They were regretful of their error, Shepard…and offered a significant discount on their wares the next time you come around."

"A bit too late to do that now, isn't it?" said Shepard, glancing at her clock. She only had 15 minutes to get ready. Any longer would be unacceptable. "If I see any troll vids of myself in this showgirl costume all over the extranet tomorrow, I'm holding you personally responsible, Kelly. Dammit, the day I decide to ditch the military look and you bring me this? It's all Joker's idea, isn't it? Remind me to court-marshal him when I get back."

"Sorry, Commander. It's all an honest mixup. Really."

"Hmph," Shepard grunted, lips still pursed as she tried to convince herself that maybe, _maybe, _the dress wasn't that bad. "I'm putting you on caretaking duty. Make sure you feed Nips her vitamin pills on time. Dismissed." Nips was her pet hamster.

"Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

The Citadel's ramen vendor could butcher a simple _'Irasshaimase', _but at least he was a decent cook. The smell of freshly made ramen made Shepard's mouth water. She was reaching for her chopsticks when she suddenly hesitated. There's a proper way of doing this, isn't it?

Pressing her palms together as if in prayer, she intoned: _"Itadakimasu." _

"What was that?" Kolyat asked.

"I'm inviting us to eat. It's been a while since I said that, but I bet I can do it better than the shopowner. Tch, that man doesn't even respect the language!"

"Heh, you humans have far too many languages. Do you have to memorize all of them?"

"No. But that's what being a military brat does to you. We tend to pick things up here and there. Anyway, you sure you're eating anything? I'm buying, you know."

"No, I'm fine. I…just ate," he said.

Shepard pursed her lips. Kolyat was hunched over his drink, head down as he took a PhD course in countertop studying. He'd worn the same posture when she met up with him at Security Checkpoint. She wondered how she was going to approach this matter delicately. The young drell was a proud one; eager to be different from the great Krios Senior…but beneath that sullen exterior was someone still unsure of himself. She of all people knew what it was like to be in someone else's shadow.

"Do not feel sorry for me," said Kolyat.

Shepard started. "Eh, me? No, I don't feel sorry for you. What makes you say that?"

"You've been staring. Just so you know, whatever…weird stuff you've been doing with my father is strictly between the two of you. So you and I aren't going to suddenly get all chummy because of that. You're not my stepmother, and I'm never going to see you as one."

"Please, you make it sound like I'm some DD-cup Fornix model your father dated just because he hit mid-life crisis," Sheppard huffed, picking up her soup spoon. "You're right: whatever happened was none of your business. But Thane was my teammate first and foremost, and an extremely valuable one at that. So don't make the mistake of thinking that you're the only person hurting right now."

Kolyat was silent. She'd hit a nerve. Taking advantage of the lull in the conversation, she began to eat. "Aah, hot!" she whimpered when the soup burnt her tongue. "Dammit."

"Yesterday I bought a mug," said Kolyat.

"You did?" asked Shepard. "Well, good for you."

"It said _'To The Galaxy's Greatest Dad'_. I dunno. I walked past a vendor, saw it and just got it without a second thought. It's not even remarkable. One of those, y'know, generic Citadel souvenir stuff."

"It's always nice to have mementoes."

Kolyat swallowed. "Now I'll never get to give it to him."

Shepard felt a familiar prickling behind her eyes. She blinked rapidly, forcing the feelings back. _No. _She'd told herself that she'd only start crying once all of this is over. Bowing her head, she took a deep breath and pasted a bright smile on her face.

"Wow, would you look at that!" she said. "This ramen is so hot that it brings tears to my eyes! Good thing you didn't order it, Kolyat. Pass me a napkin, willya?"

"Are you alright?" he asked curiously.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about me. So…um, everything okay with you? You've got a decent place to stay here?"

Kolyat shrugged. "It's not exactly a 7-star hotel, but it'll do."

"Uhuh. What about work?"

"I'm not a gun for hire, if that's what you mean."

"That's good. You want to play things your way. Every kid should do that."

"You know, I used to hate him simply for the fact that everyone he's ever worked with thinks he's awesome except me."

"And now?"

"I hate him even more for not letting me show just how awesome he really is."

"Ah, that's Thane to you," Shepard said dismissively. "He cares too much about everyone, and when we want to return the favour, he refuses. Troublesome, right? And he's always so calm, so spiritual…until he blows someone's head off. And I'll never forget that time he showed me your baby holos-"

"He did?"

"Yeah! He was like: _'This was during our beach holiday over at Porolan. It's all filled with irradiated zombies now, but their clam chowder were to die for!' _and _'This was during Kolyat's fourth birthday party over at Aunty Pam's.'"_

"I don't have any aunties called Pam," said Kolyat, frowning. "You're lying."

Ah, that's what she missed the most about Thane. He always could tell when she was joking.

"You're right," said Shepard with a smile. "I am. But he talked about you a lot. To you, he may seem like an uncaring sperm donor…but he's fiercely proud of you, Kolyat."

"You talk as if you know a lot about these things," Kolyat said sourly.

"Actually, I do. I've got my own daddy issues. If you think your father's workaholic, then you should've met mine." Shepard hesitated, wondering if it was a suitable dinner topic. But considering that they're already trading family skeletons, they might as well make a funhouse out of it.

"My father's a smart-ass," she said. "Always thinks he cleverer than anyone else. I guess that's what happens when you're busy climbing the Alliance career ladder. Anyway, I hated his job. I've got twelve different school report cards because of him. That was the amount of time we've moved about. Whatever schoolfriends I had were now nothing more than holos in my hard drive. Heh, wonder what's happened to all of them," she finished with a wry smile.

"Is your mother dead as well?"

"Hm? Oh, no. She's busy following her own career plan…although I think the only reason she worked so hard was so she could forget her problems with my father."

"Problems?"

"After twenty years of marriage, you'll find the conversations getting lesser…and the silence getting bigger. That's what I think, anyway," Shepard shrugged, sipping her green tea. "What about your parents?"

"I don't…know," said Kolyat. "I was too young."

"You're now…what?" said Shepard quizzically as she sat back and took stock of him. She wasn't as familiar with drell physiology as she should be (except for the important bedroom-related bits), so she didn't exactly know what to look for when determining their age. Was it the colour of the scales? Or that knobbly bits at the back? Do they even get menopause? Kolyat's rebellious streak could be inborn…but it could also mean a certain phase. Take into consideration his criminal record…

"Mid-twenties?" she hazarded. "I don't know how you count yourselves in terms of age. Sorry."

"I'm old enough," growled Kolyat. "What do _you_ care?"

"Heh, definitely twenties," chuckled Shepard. "You've got that _'too cool for school'_ persona going on for a moment there."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," said Kolyat, shaking his head in irritation. "What _does_ my father see in you?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I thought he'd run once he sees my Astro Boy underwear…but he didn't. So it's all good."

"Astro Boy?"

"Yeah…it's a human cartoon. They've released their second millennium anniversary figurines last week, and I've barely managed to get one…" Shepard faltered from her fangirl orgasm when she saw Kolyat's confused expression. "You should come up to the Normandy sometimes. I'll show you my retro collections. Garrus thinks they're rubbish, but that just shows how much good taste he really has."

Kolyat suddenly chuckled. "My father had said many strange things about you. I couldn't understand why humans need so many mementoes in their life…but I think that now, I do a little bit."

"Oh?" said Shepard. "And what's that?"

"You keep your memories outside your head, and because of that, you need help remembering it. But what if that thing is destroyed? Will you forget as well?"

"Heh, who says anything about forgetting, Kolyat? We've got an even better storage system than that. It's where we keep all the really important stuff."

"What?" said Kolyat incredulously. "A hackable wall safe?"

_The soul. _Shepard remembered Thane lecturing her about the three separate elements that formed every sentient being. _The body, siha, can be destroyed…and the mind erased. But the soul…we are truly dead without one. Do you know what this means?_

Shepard had said no. He'd smiled in response. _You are my soul. It is through you that I am immortal. Please remember to keep me in yours. _

"Hey," she grinned, "if Reapers were to board my ship, the first thing I'm saving are my Earth comic collections. My crewmen be damned!"

"I'm starting to wonder if those stories of the great Shepard had been spin doctored."

"What have we learned about a good story? It's 5% truth, 10% imagination all sauteed in 100% bullshit. Best served hot. Speaking of hot, I think my noodle's just about safe enough for my mouth. You're fine with human food, right? Here, try some-" she said, proferring a soup-laden spoon towards her dinner partner.

He swung out of her reach with a snarl. "No."

"Aw, c'mon. Lighten up and try something different for once. Go on."

Kolyat regarded the thing suspiciously, before giving it a tentative sip. His expression remained unchanging for a bit, and then he hurriedly reached for his drink to drown the taste.

"Too polite to spit it out, eh?" Shepard tutted. "You know, I've used this spoon just now…so technically we've had an involuntary kiss-"

_Prffft! _The ramen chef was happily chopping up radishes when he suddenly found himself dripping with green tea and drell spit.

"That…wasn't funny, Shepard," Kolyat growled, wiping his mouth.

Shepard burst out laughing.

* * *

Next episode: Careful when you talk about ex-lovers.


End file.
